September 2009
2 posts
My standup at Ithaca College 9/17/09 →
I just learned the guitar solos to Bohemian...
August 2009
2 posts
I just thought people would be interested to know... →
A lot of people drunk dial. I've been sober...
I think this joke has a lot of potential.
July 2009
4 posts
What is the target audience for Spongebob...
I want to write a story in which a person who...
Sometimes my girlfriend has night terrors, but...
I just realized that the kids I'm working with...
Holy shit.
June 2009
5 posts
So many celebrity deaths! Time to decide who we...
Fuck the FDA.
"You've heard of Netflix, now try us for free!"
What kind of ad campaign is that? Don’t try it because it’s good, try it because you’re aware of it.
On Jeopardy, if a contestant goes into the...
May 2009
6 posts
Gene Simmons is someone I can do without entirely....
I went to see The Taking of Pelham 123, because I...
I'm doing a show with Ryan Merriam and Max Barth... →
Come to our comedy show in Westport, CT →
http://www.google.com/ →
Check this out! You can search for like, anything! It searches the whole web for you.
April 2009
15 posts
Pandemic scares: keeping the masses in line since...
I took probiotics and antibiotics. Nothing...
Fish
I just found out that in Sweden, they market Swedish Fish as “Fish.” I think this is one of the funniest things ever. From this fact, my roommate and I have crafted what we believe is a perfect joke:
Joe: Apparently in Sweden they just call Swedish Fish “Fish.” And in Germany they call Hamburgers “Meat.”
Ryan: Same with Frankfurters. And the Jews.
Apparently in Sweden they just call Swedish Fish...
Movies filmed in Westport, CT →
This is where I live. Like, I went to school there and rode my bike there and I’m connected to other people who also live there. It’s a real place.
Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart are back on... →
“If it weren’t for her lecture on STD’S then i’d still think safe sex meant...”
– Nicole - (popular) (via toonumb)
If a chemist studies chemistry, shouldn't an...
Vatican bans "Angels and Demons" →
Interestingly enough, the Pope banned it solely because of Tom Hanks’ hair. I personally think the church has no place in such issues.
Stevie Wonder - Heaven Help Us All →
I think the reason white people listen to Stevie Wonder is he makes us feel like we could be black, too. Just try listening to Stevie Wonder and not dancing soulfully. Also, we go “He’s blind and plays the piano. If I tried really hard, I bet I could be black.”
I speak New Orleanese. No one really uses it...
March 2009
26 posts
Losin' My Head
I lose things a fair amount, but I don’t think I would lose my head, even if it weren’t attached to my shoulders. Because my head would know it was supposed to be going somewhere with my body. If my body started to leave without my head, my head would be like “Whoa, tough guy, where do you think you’re going? Not tryin’ to brag, but just sayin’, who’s the...
This is someone listening to "Princes of the...
“Oh cool, I like Queen…nice harmonies…sounds like this is gonna be epic…I like it, you can really grab onto this melody…wait….what’s happening?…the guitars sound like dying animals…ok, transition…alright, so this is the verse here?….oh wait, now it’s in a minor key…shit…ok this is almost like the thing before…oh, another change…is this the chorus?…I assume we’ll hear this a...
Using the pronouns "herself," "himself," "myself,"...
I already have to peer-edit your paper. Please have the decency not to write sentences like “He did not seem that much older than herself.”
Please Just Settle For Me →
This song, called “Please Just Settle For Me,” is a pop tune about a guy who just can’t seem to get things right, but he’s trying to explain to his girl that love will find a way, despite his shortcomings.
www.TheCuteKid.com - Enter Your Babies Photo to...
Nevermind the exploitation of children, how ‘bout the rape and degradation of grammar?
"Hi Joe I watched your clip and really enjoyed it....
Linda Smith of Caroline’s on Broadway would be happy to book me!
I’ll post the date as soon as I have it.
Intercom? I barely know her com!
I'm starting a 40 piece ZZ Top orchestra. It's...
Immigrants and faggots
They make no sense to me
I’m just being Miley
-Miley Cyrus, performing “One in a Million” by Guns N’ Roses
New Material →
I just posted what will become my next major standup act. Let me know what you think.
I like the name Molly. But if I named my daughter...
Think about it: “Molly’s out with a guy.” I think not. Molly’s staying home to watch the Discovery Channel with Mommy and Daddy until she’s 30.
I’m growing up and it’s scary.